How to Ask for a Raise: Scripts and a Plan for Women

If you have ever rehearsed a salary conversation in the shower and then said nothing for another year, you are in very good company. Learning how to ask for a raise is rarely a knowledge problem. Most women know they should ask. What stops us is the knot in the stomach: the fear of sounding greedy, of being told no, of changing how people see us at work.

This guide is built for that knot. You will get the evidence on what actually happens when women ask, a step-by-step plan for the four weeks before the meeting, word-for-word scripts for the hardest moments, and journal prompts to quiet the voice that says you should be grateful for what you have.

In this guide:

• What the research says about women and raises
• Why asking feels so hard (and what that feeling is telling you)
• How to find your number
• The 30-day raise plan
• Scripts for the meeting
• If the answer is no or "not now"
• 7 journal prompts before you ask
• FAQ

What the research says about women and raises

For years the popular explanation for the pay gap was simple: women don't ask. The evidence is more complicated, and more useful.

A study of around 4,600 workers across more than 800 employers in Australia, by economists Benjamin Artz, Amanda Goodall and Andrew Oswald, found that women asked for raises about as often as men, but were less likely to get one: men who asked succeeded about 20% of the time, women about 16% of the time (published in Industrial Relations, 2018, using 2013–14 survey data).

Surveys of US workers point in a similar direction. In an October 2024 survey of 2,049 Americans commissioned by LendingTree, 49% of men said they had asked for a raise compared with 35% of women, and most people who asked received one. Asking is not a guarantee, but it shifts the odds in your favor.

Meanwhile, the gap itself is still real. According to the US Bureau of Labor Statistics, women working full time had median weekly earnings of $1,131 in the second quarter of 2026, 82.0% of the $1,380 median for men. Pew Research Center's analysis of hourly pay found that women earned 85% of what men earned in 2024, only a little better than the 81% of 2003.

Outside the US the picture is strikingly similar, as our gender pay gap 2026 comparison of the UK, Australia, Canada and Ireland shows.

Put together, the lesson is not "be braver." It is: ask, and build a case that is harder to wave away. Concrete numbers, documented results and a clear next step do that work for you.

Why asking feels so hard (and what that feeling is telling you)

Many women carry an unspoken rule that wanting more money is slightly shameful. We explored this in why women apologise for wanting more money, and it shows up in salary conversations as softening language: "I was just wondering if maybe…", "I know budgets are tight, but…".

There is also a real social risk. Some women have learned that being visibly ambitious can cost them likeability, a pattern we looked at in the fear of looking successful. That fear is not irrational. It is a reason to prepare carefully, not a reason to stay silent.

Try naming the feeling precisely before the meeting. Is it fear of rejection? Fear of conflict? A belief that you have not "earned it yet"? Each one needs a different answer:

If the third row sounds familiar, our piece on the confidence gap at work goes deeper into why high-achieving women second-guess themselves.

How to find your number

The single most useful thing you can bring into the room is a specific figure. "I'd like a raise" invites your manager to pick the number. "I'm asking for $72,000" puts your number on the table first.

Step 1: Gather market data

• Look up your job title and location on at least two salary sites and note the median and the 75th percentile.
• Check job ads for similar roles in your area. More US states now require salary ranges in job postings, which gives you real, current numbers.
• If you can, ask one or two trusted peers in similar roles what the range looks like. You don't need their exact salary, just the range.

Step 2: Place yourself in the range

If you meet the role's expectations, aim for around the median. If you consistently exceed them, have taken on extra scope, or bring rare skills, aim for the upper part of the range.

Step 3: Choose one number, slightly above your goal

Pick the figure you would be genuinely happy with, then ask for a little more, so there is room to meet in the middle without dropping below your real target. Avoid giving a range: people hear the bottom of it.

Illustrative example (hypothetical numbers): Maya earns $64,000 as a marketing coordinator. Comparable roles in her city show a median of $68,000 and a 75th percentile of $74,000. She has taken over two campaigns from a colleague who left. Her goal is $70,000, so she asks for $72,000, a 12.5% increase, backed by her campaign results.

The 30-day raise plan

A raise conversation goes best when it is not a surprise. Here is a calm four-week runway.

Turning tasks into outcomes

Managers approve raises they can defend to their own boss. Give them the sentence they will repeat upstairs.

• Instead of "I managed the newsletter", write "I grew newsletter sign-ups from 2,000 to 3,400 in nine months."
• Instead of "I trained new starters", write "I cut onboarding time from three weeks to two, so new hires were billable sooner."
• Instead of "I covered for Sam", write "I ran two client accounts on my own for four months without losing either client."

Scripts for the meeting

You don't need to memorize a speech. You need three strong sentences at the start, and a calm answer for each common response.

Opening

"Thanks for making time. I'd like to talk about my salary. Over the last year I've [two biggest outcomes]. Based on that and on what similar roles pay in [city], I'm asking for an increase to [number]."

Then stop talking. The silence will feel long. Let it be.

If they say "There's no budget right now"

"I understand. When is the next budget decision made, and what would you need to see from me to put this increase into it? Could we agree that in writing today?"

If they say "You're already at the top of the band"

"That's helpful to know. My responsibilities have grown beyond the original role. Can we look at whether the role should be re-graded, or what the path to the next level looks like and by when?"

If they offer less than you asked

"Thank you, I appreciate that. I was hoping for [number] because of [one key reason]. Is there flexibility to get closer to that, or to add [extra leave / training budget / a review in six months]?"

Closing

"Thank you. When can I expect a decision? I'll send a short summary of what we discussed today."

Send that email within a few hours. It creates a record, keeps the request moving, and shows you are serious.

If the hardest part isn't the script but the old stories about money and worth that play in your head before any big conversation, The Matriarch's Money Brain (Step I of our digital PDF workbook series) walks you through where those stories came from and how to write new ones.

If the answer is no or "not now"

A "no" in this conversation is usually "no for now," and it still gives you information. Before you leave, try to get three things:

1. The reason. Budget, performance, timing or policy? Each has a different next step.
2. The criteria. "What would I need to show for this to be a yes?"
3. The date. "Can we review this again in [three] months?"

Then decide what you will do with the answer. If the criteria are clear and fair, work toward them and keep your wins list going. If the answer is vague, or the date keeps moving, that tells you something about your long-term prospects there. Our guide to building your way out of a job you can't afford to quit may help you think through the next step, and so can building a small side income alongside a full-time job.

What else you can negotiate

If salary is truly frozen, other things may not be:

• A one-off bonus or a title change
• Extra paid leave or flexible hours
• A training or conference budget
• Remote work days (which can cut commuting costs)
• A written commitment to review pay at a specific date

7 journal prompts before you ask

Writing before a hard conversation helps you sort what you think from what you fear. Give yourself 15 minutes with these. (Want more? Our 30 money journal prompts go wider.)

1. What did I deliver this year that I would brag about if a friend had done it?
2. What number would I tell my best friend to ask for in my position?
3. What exactly am I afraid will happen if I ask? How likely is it, really?
4. Who taught me that asking for money is rude, and do I still agree with them?
5. What will it cost me, in one year and in five years, if I don't ask?
6. What would I do with the extra money each month?
7. What will I say to myself afterwards, whatever the answer is?

Prompt 5 is worth doing with a calculator. A $6,000 raise is $500 a month before tax, and because future raises and retirement contributions are often calculated as a percentage of your salary, it can keep paying you for years. If setting clear goals for that money would help, see our financial goals examples for women.

Not sure where to start with your own money story? Our free 7-page workbook preview is a gentle first step.

FAQ

How much of a raise should I ask for?

Base it on market data for your role and location rather than a fixed percentage. If you are paid below the market median, ask to be brought up to it. If you have taken on more responsibility, aim higher. Ask for one specific figure, slightly above the number you would be happy with.

When is the best time to ask for a raise?

A few weeks before budgets are set, after a clear win, or when your role has grown. Avoid days of layoffs or major bad news. If your company has an annual review cycle, raise the topic a month or two before it, not in the review itself.

Should I ask for a raise by email or in person?

Ask in person or on a video call, and follow up in writing. A live conversation lets you read reactions and answer questions; the follow-up email creates a record of what was agreed.

Is it OK to mention another job offer?

Only if it is real and you would genuinely take it. Using an offer as leverage can work, but if you bluff and they call it, you may lose trust or the job.

What if I've only been in the role for a few months?

It is usually better to wait until you have a track record, often around a year. The exception is if you discover you were hired well below market rate or your responsibilities changed quickly. In that case, say so with evidence.

Do women get penalized for negotiating?

Some research suggests women can face more pushback when they negotiate, and one large study found women who asked were less likely than men to get a raise. That is a reason to prepare strong evidence and calm, specific language, not a reason to stay quiet. Many women who ask do get an increase.

Sources

• Artz, B., Goodall, A. H. & Oswald, A. J. (2018). Do Women Ask? Industrial Relations. City, University of London repository.
• U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (2026). Usual Weekly Earnings of Wage and Salary Workers, Second Quarter 2026.
• Pew Research Center (2025). Gender pay gap in U.S. has narrowed slightly over 2 decades.
• LendingTree / QuestionPro survey, October 2024, reported by FOX: Asking for a raise pays off for most people, survey finds.
• University of Wisconsin Oshkosh (2016). Women DO ask for raises — they just don't get them as often as men.

Educational content only. Not personalised financial advice.